I am angry beyond words.
Every day, before I leave for home, I download the latest podcasts of the day on the XP machine they have in our department. Because all ou pc’s are all on NT4, the USB stick for my laptop only works on the XP machine.
I log into it remotely to download podcasts, then I go over with my USB stick to copy them. (I am not allowed to connect my laptop to the network, dispite informing my boss that I run fully updated, with non-admin rights, and an up-to-date virusscanner).
Well tonight he asked what I was doing, and I told him I was downloading some MP3’s to listen on my way home (2 hour train trip).
Well of course he freaked. I dont think he freaked cause of bandwidth usage considderations (every workstation has 100mbit strait on internet, company is also a tier-2 ISP). I think he freaked cause I mentioned the forbidden and highly evil “M” word.. MP3.
Now I have knows this guy for exacty two weeks, but I have gotten a bit a feel for how he responds to things. He is basicly a great great sceptic and nay-sayer. He is a good administrator, no doubt, but he seems to make a hobby of overreacting and throwing his wait around. Its a bit hard to discribe his bahavior or attitude, but it pisses me off in a serious way.
The other day I was running a call with a colleague and we walked past a department that does translation work for our national channels. One of the machines was displaying a page from Wikipedia, so I took it apon myself to show him the concept of the ‘wiki’. He immediatly ‘got it’ and was quite enthuised with the concept.
We got back to our office and about 5 minutes later, purely by chance, someone seems to be explaining the concept of Wiki to my boss over the phone. “What do you call it? Weeky? Never ever heard of it! … oh right.. ”
I looked to my colleague and we kinda exchanged smiles and I followed the conversation with great interest. But as the conversations went on, I could tell that my boss had already made his mind up. “Well thats nice and all, but who is going to manage it, and what do you think this kinda stuff costs? Who will use it anyway? .. What.. oh its free? Well it sounds like its more trouble than its worth.. ” and so forth.
Tonight was another example of this attitude. I could never explain the concept of podcasting to him, as he has already dismissed the entire concept of downloading MP3’s on the companies bandwidth as a bad idea. I cant entirly blame him, but if it was anyone else, I would have attempted to explain about the idea… in simpe terms of course “Look, its like these daily radio shows about technology and other tech issues, and I check in the evening for any news ones to listen to, kinda like you would check the news before you went home.. only, I take the news with me.. ” .. But he wouln’t have given me the time to explain, even if I had asked.. So I didn’t contest his desicion and basicly said oke.. and went back to my desk.
Its almost an hour later and I am still pissed off about it. At times like these I need to talk it out of my system, so I went online to talk to kevin, who I noticed was online back at the office. But my phone appeard to be dead which was wierd.. but thankfully I have this laptop with me, so I opened op blogjet and here we are.. its at times like this when I am profoundly gratefull for having both a laptop, and knowing the joys of blogging, meaning that I know people like kevin will read this and probably sympathise.
Its at times like these when I am also reminded how stuck I am at the moment in my life.
I make almost no money (I am talking seriously below national average) and have a study-debt with my current employer, making it rather hard to switch over to another company, less I get saddled with a big bill, that I could never pay. I have almost no willpower, so I am still not an MCSE, making it that much harder to switch over to a better payed job, assuming that a company would take over my debt.
I am totally undervaluded by both my actual employer, aswell as the customer I am currently with. On paper I am an assistant administrator, but I am constantly doing second line support work. This while I constantly hear from others that I am capable of so much more.. not because I have a lot of practicle experiance.. cause I dont, but because of my insight. Personally I think I am ahead of the curve because I am aware of a lot more than most other people in IT that I meet. I keep myself up to date on so many things.. but often dont have a very deep knowledge of anything.. .I am very all-round, but not a specialist. And perhaps that is the entire problem.. people cant understand the value of being aware of things.. of being on top of what is going on out there.. . its a concept that very few people in IT seem to understand, at least going from my experience of the 20 or so companies I have been with. They seem to value specialists though, simply on the basis of the word. Specialist. .. It does have a nice ring to it.
It frustrates me no end, that I cant seem to gather the interest to really get to the bottom a particular technology. Like i said, I have no willpower to actually study, to learn beyond the scope of knowledge I need to satisfy my ‘current interest of the week’. This is a very very depressing state to be in, and I dont know how to motivate myself enough to get out of it.
I have this feeling that I will look back at these years on my life and considder them to be either my darkerst years, or simply the early years in a generally depressing life.